Do not fear

The team of Doctors came in today. Nothing has changed, I challenged them to think outside the box and research on their own anything that may spur Scott's healing but they were unwilling to do so. I could never be that type of Doctor. I could never resign to what others are saying, content to only follow protocols which aren't working, and do nothing else because someone in a higher position hasn't told me to do it. When they were telling me about the meeting they attend where the higher institutions set the protocols and care and do the research which they are content to listen to, I even mentioned "such as the higher institution which just declared that hospital staff must come to work if they test positive for COVID"? The ICU Dr just sighed, and the Pulmonologist got a littler more cocky than he already was. I didn't like him, not because he was blunt but because he wasn't honest. Here's the deal, I'm just the type of person that if you lie to me (and I almost always know when immediately, even if I say nothing) I'm done. Our relationship just changed forever. I may still be a friend, but it's with boundaries and will never be trust based again. I may be kind. I may not call you out. But it's forever changed in my mind. I don't do lies. At all. There's just no excuse for it. Now, you can say a myriad of things that I count as ok such as "I don't know that answer", "I'm not ready to tell you that info", "I think it's this but I'm not 100% so you might check", "Your butt may look a little wider in those jeans, let's try this style and see if it minimizes instead". See what I mean?! There is nothing wrong with the truth, sometimes it just needs to be used more tactfully than others. 

Anyway, I sort of knew there wasn't going to be new information. They simply are at their end of options while I'm desperately grasping for more options and needing a plan of care in order to find hope that this isn't over. 

But yesterday, in the car I cried to God to help me trust, help me lean into Him, help me release this burden and wait upon Him. I'm also out of options. I have nothing left. I can do small things to care for my husband, and I can still advocate to a point, but nothing truly helps and nothing truly works...much like the Doctors. 

We truly are waiting on the Lord alone. He alone is in control of whether Scott's lungs will heal or not, He always was. But He's choosing to remind us moment by moment, day by day that there's nothing but Him. Not me, not the doctors, not medical care, nor intervention. Only Him. 

This verse was brought to my attention by another wife in ICU in the same position as I am, only her husband is on a ventilator. I wrote it on our window we look at to focus on today. See the part about anxiously looking about you? That's me, desperately seeking answers and asking the doctors for options again and again only to receive the same answers. Trying to Be Still. Doing my best. 

Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous hand. - Isaiah 41:10.